DATELINE – NEW YORK

In a move which has stunned the world, a group of thirty-seven entertainment companies, including Hasbro, Nintendo, Microsoft, and BAE Systems, have filed a class action lawsuit against Santa Claus.

The seven-hundred and forty one page lawsuit claims that Santa has “repeatedly and knowingly” violated the patent and trademark rights of hundreds of companies for hundreds of years. The lawyers allege that, in his workshop, Santa has been manufacturing cheap knockoffs of popular products, such as the Nintendo Switch, and then distributing them for free to children across the globe – an act, they claim, which damages their company’s valuation.

Furthermore, they say that Santa has purposefully placed his workshop in the North Pole, international waters, so that he couldn’t be brought to justice.

Santa’s lawyers, in a preliminary filing, claim that all products manufactured by Santa Claus Workshop LLC “are only made with the full consent and knowledge of the companies they originate from, and Santa Claus Workshop LLC takes great care to ensure our licences are up to date”. They also deny claims that their products are “cheap and inferior” and that they have “never used seal penis in place of plastic”.

The news comes after a month of legal woes for Mr Claus – recently the so-called ‘Santa Clause’, the legal contract which governs the transference of Santaship, was struck down by the Supreme Court of Missouri for being “blatantly illegal”; and the elves have recently unionised at the North Pole and are on strike, citing a “criminally” low pay rate, and encouraging “a culture of rampant merriment and joy which encourages elves to dance on and about dangerous equipment”.

The trial continues.

(The Lemon Press’s legal advisor tells us that the trial has not even begun yet, and “the trial continues” is entirely inappropriate in this context.)