University of York Vice Chancellor Charlie Jeffery today announced that “Old Testament Justice” would be employed against the snivelling pus bag who vandalised the statue of Long Boi.

The statue, which sits near Derwent K Block, had its left leg cut during the night of the 14th November, completely coincidentally the same night as The Lemon Press’s official vandalism social. The Lemon Press committee has denied all involvement.

Speaking exclusively to Nouse, Vice Chancellor Jeffery said that whenever the vandal was found, then they would cut his left leg off in an act of retribution. The police say their current theory is that Lancaster did it.

Meanwhile, major figures from all over the world have been sending in their condolences. President-Elect Trump today posted on his Twitter knockoff Shitter

“I was very saddened to hear today that the RADICAL LEFT and LYING KAMELA [sic] have DEFACED a STATUE to a BRITISH HERO. The only way the REAL BRITS can STOP this is to VOTE TRUMP 2028!”

President Joe Biden, meanwhile, said:

“As a lame duck myself, I can fully sympathise with this poor statue. I hope that the vandal is caught soon, and if they aren’t then, by Jove, I’ll come over and solve the case myself”.

President Macron of France said:

“I never liked ducks. I always got the feeling that they were plotting against me”.

Elon Musk posted the following on his Twitter knockoff X:

“In Daddy’s emerald mine, we always used to cut the legs of the slaves workers who tried escaping. So maybe the statue tried to fly off”.

We tried reaching out to Greg James, who unveiled the statue in September, but were told he was unavailable for comment. His representative, however, said this:

“When Mr James heard what had happened, he threw himself down at the foot of his bed, wept and beat his breast. At a later point in the day, he was seen upon the balustrades of his two-bedroom castle in Kentish Town, seized by a fey mood. He yelled aloud Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani? and then threw himself off. Luckily he landed on a local homeless man, and was unharmed. The homeless man did not survive”.

If you have any information which will help us track down and kill the bastard who did this, then call Lemonline on +44 (0)7700 991776.