Fallen into a time vortex and found yourself in the week before starting university (when we should have published this)? Alex Pelling has you covered with ten things you NEED to make sure you bring with you as we move into September. We promise it’s September. Don’t check your calendar.
- The youthful sparkle in your eye
Where did my bright eyed, enthusiastic boy go?
- Mario and Sonic at the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympic Games (Nintendo Wii)
You may think that packing cutlery, plastic vines, or perhaps even the odd fairy light, will guarantee you a spot at the cool kids table. WRONG! There is nothing more effortlessly sexy than seeing this Wii classic on someone’s shelf. Suddenly, you’re no longer watching Netflix, you and your crush are sweeping down the Canadian slopes as Birdo and Eggman. What’s hotter than that? Thank me later.
- Mask, snorkel and fins
Just kidding! Who would want to bring that? Haha.
Listen to me. If you see someone propping up an ILLEGAL freshers’ fair stand claiming to be from “Underwater Hockey”, do not be fooled. It’s like the classic “pool on the roof” gag from everyone’s favourite movie Hackers (1995), designed to ensnare silly freshers. Stay real, stay vigilant, and most importantly stay ABOVE water. You’re welcome.
- Your GCSE Macbeth essay (what a banger)
Doing a humanities subject? Don’t forget to bring your childhood essays written entirely in glittery pink gel pen! Show it to everyone, in particular your head of department on your first day. Remember, to be an academic weapon, you must be an academic sidearm, and before that a simple academic tool. Be the biggest tool in town with this simple trick!
- Self-respect
Remember, uni is an excellent time to GROW and LEARN, but it is also a great time to get WORSE. If your flat does not resemble the gory end of a Jacobean Revenge Tragedy by Christmas, you simply are not exciting enough. Oh, and everyone is laughing at you. Me and the crew are going out this weekend to betray each other in a series of dramatic and increasingly Machiavellian ways. You want an invite? I must not have added you to the group chat, aha. You can, like, come if you want? :///
- Sellotape
Has your flatmate stolen your fork one too many times? Is a harshly worded text in the group chat just too much for you? Cocooning them in a Ridley Scott style nightmare web may be the solution to your domestic problems.
- A revenge plan for Long Boi
You may notice as you grace the gates of York, that a sinister grey sky looms over the city. Our mascot, our lifeforce, and possibly the only thing that makes us a Russell Group university, has been SLAIN. The students walk sullenly from lecture to lecture, looking afraid at their uncertain future… Wait, that’s how it always is. Sorry, my mistake. However! The curse will remain upon this wretched ground until we seek proper revenge. Will you be the one to do it? Or remain, unwillingly, on the wrong side of history?
- Chef rings
We’re all going down, but some of us have the decency to shut up, and go down with style. When you’re concocting your 684th pasta struggle meal, put it in a chef’s ring and save us all from looking at your dismal existence.
- Slippers
Unlike other student publications, The Lemon Press would NEVER bow down to a sponsor. Integrity is important guys, don’t let brands step all over you.
Step in something comfy instead! Like our friends at Student Comfy Slippers, who have the widest range of rad university merchandise at your disposal. Walk with confidence with College-Approved student footwear! We love working with young people, just like our factories in China! Get a whole two weeks of quality usage with our new Durable-Wear collection, and you’ll be the coolest kid on campus.
- Your grandma’s Sudoku book
“You packed that Sudoku book Gan Gans gave you right? She spent the last of her pension on that sweetheart, I sure hope you remembered it. Like, what could you be doing so much at uni that you won’t have time for it? Invite some friends round, make an evening out of it. That’s what I did when I was at university! Worked for me. And you know, Gan Gans hasn’t been feeling too well lately. Her breathing isn’t what it used to be, I’ll be honest. You’ve got to take every moment you can get, you know?”
Listen to Gan Gans, she’s probably punched more fascists than men you will ever kiss, so treat the legend with some respect. After your fifteenth failed situationship, you too will long for the simple numerical pleasure of solving a Sudoku. You dick.
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