There has been outrage across the country today over the revelation that the beloved mascot of Vanbrugh College, Duck Norris, is actually an animatronic operated by the Chinese state government for espionage purposes. Suspicions were raised following a bizarre incident last week when several men in black suits and sunglasses ambushed the traitorous purple duck outside the Market Place Nisa, before bundling it into the back of a van and driving off at speed down University Road. The Prime Minister broke the news in a statement yesterday, saying that he ‘will not flinch in protecting this country’s national security’, before ordering the immediate detention of all other mascots of universities, football clubs, and the Duracell Bunny, who was also arrested on charges of battery. The Home Secretary also gave a statement, saying that she was ‘shocked and saddened and lessons will be learned’, before deploying a special operations team to a Brewster Bear’s Funhouse to pop all the balloons at a child’s birthday party, over fears the balloons could be hostile surveillance equipment. A Vanbrugh resident told The Lemon Press earlier that ‘this shocking news about our beloved mascot has left many students feeling betrayed, heartbroken, and uncertain for the future of the college’s identity. It has certainly ruffled a few feathers’.