Whilst scientist released a report predicting societal collapse in the event of extreme climate change, local York student Devon McAllister celebrated getting an ultimately-meaningless mark on his Quantum Chemistry exam paper by getting an underwhelming takeaway in a move that experts are calling ‘a pathetic display of ignorance’. 

‘I’m shocked, when I handed it in I thought I had barely passed, I seriously never expected to get a first on it!’ said Devon, who quite rightly held the assumption that nothing good would ever happen to him again. But instead of locking himself away to prevent this brief wave of serotonin being flatlined upon contact with the real world, as any normal person would do, the naïve chemistry student instead inflicted his ‘good’ news onto everyone else in his house. 

‘I could tell that I should be happy for him’ a flatmate told The Lemon Press, ‘but he made me pause halfway through a video about modern antibiotic resistance so the vibe was kind of off.’ Not content with taking up other people’s valuable worrying time once that afternoon, Devon went further by threatening his flatmates with warnings of ‘I’m thinking of getting a Dominos later if you want anything?’ Our source revealed that Devon ‘only orders in food when something good happens, it is like he doesn’t know any other way to celebrate the handful of self-described “achievements” he will ever be able to make before inevitably being torn apart by nanobots in the Great War For Resources.’ 

Upon nobody taking him up on his offer, Devon told his equally-doomed flatmates ‘I might just get something from Deliveroo then, as a little treat’ with a sense of levity that suggested he had completely forgotten about the geopolitical catastrophe that was set to unfold on the Ukrainian border. Instead of watching the Doomsday clock Devon watched the Deliveroo map and by some miracle the rider did not sporadically lose the will to live before the food was dropped off. The reward for weeks of hard work, an extra large burger with an extortionate delivery fee, was deemed to be ‘a bit soggy and cold’ by Devon who had to have some crisps less than an hour later after the underwhelming meal left him unfilled. 

A psychology professor at the University of York noted that ‘quite simply we are living in a post-YUSU-declaring-a-climate-emergency world, and it is genuinely rather disturbing to see the lengths this young man will go to in order to mentally distance himself from that fact. What on earth will this man get if he graduates? Two burgers? Four? An extra side because it’s a “big day”? I shudder to think.’