Listen up lads, we understand. You’re out camping, and there’s a fire going. The tribal instinct to obsess and poke the fire springs to life as if you were Satan himself. But let’s be honest, no ones knows how to properly start and maintain a fire and as soon as you leave the campsite you will never research it until the next time. So these steps will help you reach peak toxic masculinity and show you how to guyboss and gatekeep that fire. 

1. Use The Word ‘Oxiginate’ As Many Times As You Can. 

Is this a real word? We don’t know. However you will become the alpha instantly if you repeat this word until your tongue feels as dry as ash 

2. Exhale, Slap Your Legs And Loudly Proclaim That You Are Going To Get More Firewood

Corrrrr, that sounds manly doesn’t it? Show your friends that you’re not afraid to get your hands dirty, then run to the nearest tesco and buy some wood there-hey they won’t know the difference! 

3. Blow On The Fire Aggressively

Like a manic wolf trying to make piggies homeless, blow on the fire! Who cares if ash goes everywhere ,including in your eyes, the sight will be sure to make you seem like a man who knows his fire 

4. Get Really Really Annoyed When Someone Else Tries To Take Control And Make It A Big Deal.

Friction makes a fire, so cause some in your group by getting angry at any one who tries to intervene. If they keep persisting, just burn down their tent- alpha grind set 

5. The Bigger The Log, The Bigger You Look 

Size matters with fire, so find the biggest price of wood you can find and chuck it on there. Who cares what happens, you’ll be the man of fire.

Cameron Stenhouse