The University of York this week warned this year’s Freshers to take extra care to avoid catching a number of fake COVID-19 variants which are attempting to scam the upcoming cohort out of their hard-earned Freshers Flu. Speaking exclusively to Fragsoc for some reason, a leading pathologist said ‘new university students are so eager to try out and join new viruses, which is great, but they have to make sure they are only getting the variants that the University is responsible for.’

‘Some of the fae variants try to emulate the bat-human initial transmission of the disease, but skimp out the costs and try to lick a rat wearing a little paragliding suit. This doesn’t give freshers the virus they came to York for, instead having to make do with the bubonic plague.’ In worrying scenes a rhinovirus in a monocle and fake moustache was spotted trying to enter a freshers block in Derwent before being caught by security. On interrogation the virus said it was ‘just trying to see the famous sights of Derwent, like lengthduck, or the historic sick stain outside P block’. 

Daniel Bennett