The number of ditches dug in the United Kingdom has gone up dramatically, according to analysis published today by the Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs.

Across the country, more and more ditches are being dug in villages and rural areas of England and Wales, says a new DEFRA report.

Analysts at DEFRA working with fellow civil servants across other areas of government suggest that the national political mood is largely the cause of the ditch-digging frenzy.

Politics was the definitely reason to dig more ditches, said Alf Freton, a travel agent and local Labour Party activist, while digging at ditch at the roadside near a man’s field. ‘You end up doing all sorts of things when the mood takes you. I’ve discovered that I’ve got a green thumb.’

The news was of particular interest to the constabulary. A spokesman for Uxbridge division of the Metropolitan Police constabulary told local reporters that they expected to find more corpses in ditches in November and perhaps also in February.

The police’s fears were shared by some Uxbridge residents. ‘Someone’s going to wind up dead in one of those ditches,’ commented the owner of a local Chinese restaurant, Rice Lip. ‘I just know it.’

The DEFRA report received a mixed reaction in Westminster. A spokeswoman from the Liberal Democrats said that the spur to dig more ditches was incontrovertible evidence for the case for a People’s Vote.

Meanwhile, after previously swearing that it was of no concern to him, a ditch is reportedly now the hundredth problem that the Prime Minister suffers.

Jack Harvey