We all eagerly awaited the democratic primary debates. We watched on CBS, MSNBC, and Twitch. We saw 10 candidates engage in a verbal PvP battle over two nights. Cuck Todd was dragged from his Oculus Rift to act as shoutcaster, narrator (read: backseat gamer), and sometimes even appeared to enter the arena himself. We sought representation for gamers and they finally heard our cries.

I will now explore the pro-gamer ideas put forward by these card-carrying gamers. The gamer lobby has been hard at work since 2016. Every day, brave soldiers join their respective game lobbies to show support: from the 64 player lobbies of Battlefield V to the 10 player lobbies of Rainbow Six: Siege. All of us have one goal in mind: to elect a pro-gamer president.

Let’s start with the frontrunner. Biden has been in the game longer than most. However, being in the game clearly doesn’t mean you’re pro-gamer. Exchanges with Harris brought to attention that he was against bussing players into Fortnite, against the players having parachutes, and skeptical on the need for them to receive assistance when on the ground. This awful track record excludes Biden from further consideration.

Harris spoke powerfully about how she took advantage of early access bussing in what was undoubtedly the ‘play of the game’. The contrast between Harris and Biden served to accentuate the notion that Biden is not the most suited candidate to face Trump in the final 1v1 and may instead be taken down by the encircling media storm.

Selwell’s gun buyback scheme would enable us to trade in our in-game guns for cash. I would happily turn in all of my weapons, collector’s edition figurines, and weapon skins for reimbursement. Selwell’s appearance is sure to sell well to the gamer community due to his uncanny resemblance to the default character in any RPG ever. All candidates appear to favour an assault weapons ban which has already been shown to work well in practice — in game modes such as ‘Sniper Shootout’ and ‘Shotguns Only’.

Yang spoke very little during the debate. Rumours suggest that he was muted by all other candidates, including the host. However, he is the candidate who is most up-front about the risks automation poses to us. Every ‘bot’ in a game takes away a job from a good, honest, American gamer. Yang’s ‘freedom dividend’ of 1000 dollars/vBucks/FIFA points a month would give us the freedom to all live in Coolio’s gamer’s paradise.

Buttigieg drew attention to artificial intelligence (AI). AI shows great promise for the Total War series but poses an existential threat to professional gamers. The day AI can play Roblox and simultaneously scream racial slurs with a synthesised voice will represent the death knell of the YouTube ‘personality’. I fear this day is near.

Occasionally the candidates were asked for one or two word answers to complex questions such as, ‘what is the greatest geopolitical threat to the USA?’ The correct answer is China. Their esports teams have us beaten at League of Legends and their government at authoritarian censorship. Our reputation is being trashed on the world stage. Worst of all, many promising gamers are prioritising ‘sleep’, ‘family’, and ‘earning a living’ over potential gaming careers. This was the primary cause of the Club Penguin skills shortage which resulted in Puffles getting a taste for each others flesh. The last Puffle standing was the size of London’s ‘fatberg’ and scared all the players away, putting many gamers out of work.

It’s heartening to see individual candidates take a stand for gamers rights but is America ready for their first gamer president? Can any single candidate unite a coalition of role-players, strategists, and the ‘economically anxious’ to deliver a victory royale? We only have 18 torturous months to find out.

Next time, I will determine which members of the Labour NEC are actually just characters from Wolfenstein.

— Will Rowan