Intercepted Message from the President

Students, take note! The Lemon Press’s crack team of h̶a̶c̶k̶e̶r̶s̶ data journalists have intercepted this hush-hush communiqué between our President and the staff of our chief c̶e̶n̶s̶o̶r̶ patron, YUSU…

Dear colleagues,

As we approach the last term of the academic year, I thought I should give you a short update of my plans.

Firstly, hello and welcome back from the Easter holiday. Or, I should also say, goodbye! I am aware that the last two Presidents of YUSU didn’t leave campus in the best of circumstances, so, having spoken with my team, I think it is appropriate for me to cover all bases.

To that end, I apologise if I have disturbed anyone as I walk around the building. The suit of protective armour I am now wearing is heavy and cumbersome, but it is necessary to protect me from harm until July.

When I stood for election, I was determined to get out there, meet students, speak to them, listen to them and find out their views. This is what I told students when I was asking them to vote for me. It is also what I have been telling students ever since.

Over the last six months, I have realised that, when you get out there, meet students, speak to them, listen to them and find out their views, you discover that a lot of them don’t know who you are. So, I explain to them what YUSU is and how they can get involved.

Sometimes I meet students who do know what YUSU is and who we are, but, when you go out there, meet them, speak to them, listen to them and find out their views, you discover that a lot of them don’t like YUSU very much.

Some students say that YUSU does not listen to them. This doesn’t make sense, as I have made it my mission to go out there and listen to students. How can I not listen to them if I am always going out there and listening to them?

Some students say I am not a good leader because I am easily persuaded by others. But Finn tells me that this is a silly criticism that shouldn’t bother me, so it shouldn’t bother you either.

And some students, some of whom write for The Lemon Press – which, Finn tells me, is a humour magazine that our students produce, largely for students who write for other magazines, which I have not read – say that I cannot represent students properly because I have no opinions on anything whatsoever. To this, I say…

So, over the next few months, I intend to tie up loose ends and finish off my manifesto commitments. But, as a matter of urgency, I shall be building a large panic bunker underneath the Heslington East lake. If you have a spare hour in the coming week, I would appreciate a hand digging the secret tunnel from the Sabbs’ office to Heslington East.

Why am I doing this? This suit of armour should save me from the occasional angry student on campus, but, just in case I do something silly and end up breathing life into the 2020 RON campaign, Finn has convinced me to spend the remainder of my presidency in an underground bunker, where I will be safe from any fallout.

So, I shall be finishing work on a spacious, comfortable bunker under the lake (on Heslington East, not West, as the East lake’s water is safer for swimming). Finn has kindly offered to act as President should anything like that happen.

It has been a pleasure to work with you all since being elected last year. I want to thank you for briefing me ahead of my meetings, writing the scripts on which I so often rely and for protecting me from Josh Mackenzie. I only hope that, as we strive to protect the organisation as a whole, no insensitive things are said about him or people like him.

In conclusion, I hope everyone has a great last term and fingers crossed that I’m still here by the end of it. Any questions about what F̶i̶n̶n̶ ̶h̶a̶s̶ I have written here, don’t hesitate to contact F̶i̶n̶n̶ me.

Yours, from a tunnel below what I think is either the Heslington post office or the Deramore Arms,

James

— As l̶e̶a̶k̶e̶d̶ discovered by Julian Blancmange