YUSU will be bringing out a ‘Roses lager’ in time for the 2019 sports competition. The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal the beverages that our union’s most adventurous alcoholics sampled ahead of our annual sporting arse-kicking before making their decision…

The Rugby Team’s Scrumpy:
This drink is described as something that should be consumed straight and certainly kept away from the fairer sex. Critics were regrettably disappointed by the “strong, sweaty” taste. The chief brewer and part-time blues musician, Scrum P. Hooker, insisted that our tasters try it again, this time in conjunction with the “white spirit” that is regularly tossed around the changing rooms, but our critics said there was no need for any further initiations.

Swimming and Water Polo’s Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polkadot Martini:
The manufacturer of this martini is building a reputation for going the extra mile (or few hundred) in aid of charity. Nonetheless, there was a little too much chlorine and one too many plasters in this cocktail for our critics to make this the official Roses drink.

Greylag Goose:
Our critics greatly enjoyed the flavour of this drink, but they were hastily advised by a member of YUSU staff that any sort of goose-related stunt would add fuel to the Yorfession fire. Best avoided — or shut down.

Hockey Hooch:
This was once a well-known, respected brand on campus, but ever since a moment of drunken tomfoolery some months ago, this drink suffers, in the words of the York’s Union’s representative, “a rather Nazi aftertaste.”

The Lemon Press’s Lemon Drop:
The Lemon Press was sad to hear that critics found that our house beverage was rejected on the grounds that only a small minority of York students can digest the sourness and very particular taste. We are still happy that this minority of students continues to gladly purchase it from our ‘Lemon Aid’ stand outside Eric Milner-White.

A Stale Pale Male’s Ale:
This tipple was flavoursome. It is often seen in huge quantities, as reported by Channel 4 journalists, and its chief ingredient, the patriarchy, has been brewing for the best part of a thousand years. But our critics felt that the produce of Stale Pale Males is old hat and would prove neither particularly popular nor pleasant in our campus’s woke circles.

Old Speckled Bennie Walker’s:
Produced at a brewery within a Marxist commune somewhere in the North of England, this item is deliberately packaged in a brown paper bag. It caused the first critic to sample it to grow a large, untidy, coffee-coloured beard. She wasn’t best pleased.

LGB Tequila:
The critics felt that this beverage was sufficiently pleasant, but they would have preferred to have sampled it a few years ago when the brand was led by the remarkable Jaz Millar. These days, the drink satisfies, but does not excite.

Jimmy Fudge’s Every-Flavour Booze:
While its maker likes to imagine sex on the beach, the critics agreed that they’d have much preferred his absinthe.

Brass Band Soc’s Prosecco to the Minster:
It was said that a glass of this would bring a tear to one’s eye, particularly if sampled at weddings and funerals. However, our critics said that its taste took far too long to reach its zenith on their palates.

The Yorker’s Jack Daniels:
Critics agreed that the attempt to combine the best and worst of this premier independent brand in the hope of making something that appealed to everyone was ultimately unsuccessful, perhaps to the point of dragging the brand as a whole down.

Britland’s Original:
An acquired taste, our critics were told. This drink has a certain bluntness to it, its flavour hitting the drinker pretty hard and quickly. Likely to be consumed by a darts player. Still, it was fondly remembered by our critics and indeed by many students.

Dominique’s Sambuca:
If you thought the Hockey Club’s hooch had a rotten aftertaste to it, you’ve not had the displeasure of swallowing this repulsive mixture. The general consensus among the more politically-astute was that there are much, much better brewers producing finer, more tasteful beverages than cheap knock-off imported from the other side of the pond. Sadly, the manufacturer of this drink is impervious to criticism, so expect this one to remain on the shelves for some time.

Bentley’s Boorish Cream:
This beverage was described to the tasters as dark, sensual, luxurious and enthralling. Contrastingly, our critics found it to be bitter and depressing, something that only an arrogant know-it-all snob would have on his shelf.

Circulation’s Bloody Mary:
Our critics found this beverage to be boring as fuck.

— Reynard