The disorder of Heslington Hall, the administrative nerve center of the University of York, and home to the UK’s second-biggest collection of spinny chairs (#1 being a York-based lettings agency) is to be laid bare in a new book by Michael ‘The Boy Who Cried’ Wolff.

Extracts from the book show a chaotic university administration led by Vice-Chancellor Koen Lamberts, beset with alleged furniture-related corruption, lavish expenditure, and questionable travel expenses. Further drama comes through detail drawn from interviews with former Registrar and Secretary, David Duncan. Duncan claims that Lamberts held meetings with Lancastrian representatives, seeking incriminating evidence about Karen Stanton, the VC of YSJ. The book reveals Duncan describes this meeting as ‘treasonous’, ‘unpatriotic’, and ‘sexually depraved, real nasty shit, I mean everyone has a kink but this went beyond the pale.’

Wolff alleges the relationship between Heslington Hall and President Kim ‘Alex’ Jong-Urquhart of the Democratic Students’ Union of York is reaching a ‘critical, perhaps nuclear, point’, with Lamberts having enough of President Kim’s demands. Lamberts has taken to calling him ‘Tiny Dancer’ to his senior staff. It is believed only through back-channel diplomatic talks between the DSUY and Heslington Hall that war has been avoided, with Wolff suggesting that a key part of the tenuous peace agreement was Lamberts’s access to the University of York Twitter account being removed.

In a statement to the press, current Registrar and Secretary Jo Horsburgh denied all the claims, and read a tweet from Lamberts’ personal account saying that: ‘David Duncan has nothing to do with me or my vice-chancellorship. I have just given his TERRIBLE book 1 (one!) star on Amazon. Bad hombre, bad author. Sad! ALSO: Tiny Dancer will pay for his insolence!’

Copies available from Citrus Publishing Inc, £6.99 or 10000 YoYo points, P&P included.