In a shock move, Damian Green has resigned as First Secretary of State and Minister for the Cabinet Office following allegations of being an enormous wanker. He has also been accused of using parliamentary IT resources to view pornographic material.

Following the resignation, Mr Green’s successor will be warned not to sit on any of the furniture in Mr Green’s former office until it has all been burned and replaced. A big day out to Ikea is expected to be announced shortly. David Davis is expected to cancel his Ikea Family membership card while at the same time enjoying membership benefits.

It has been rumoured that a deep cleaning team will be arriving at parliament shortly, and reports have been made of bright ultraviolet light emitting from Mr Green’s former office while the immense cleaning operation takes place.

It is expected that an anti-virus scan will be performed on Mr Green’s computer after the cleaning operation takes place, which could take ‘literally hundreds of hours,’ according to IT expert Ben Carroll. ‘We’ve literally never seen this amount of porn before.’

More to come shortly. [Follow, surely? — Eds.]

—Samuel Goodall