The leader of the YUSU–PF, President Alex Urquhart, is said to be ‘disturbed’ at the resignation of fellow despot, Robert Mugabe. Mugabe and Urquhart are understood to have a tense relationship, mostly stemming from the fact that The Lemon Press chose to endorse Mugabe over Urquhart in this year’s race for YUSU president — see your archived copy of Issue 31 for more. Upon Urquhart’s victory, Mugabe dropped his plans for UK student union domination, returning to ruling over Zimbabwe, whilst keeping a close eye on the individual who beat him.

Nevertheless, the fall from grace [Really? — Eds.] of Mugabe has caused Urquhart distress that a fellow ‘democratically’ ‘elected’ ‘leader’ could be removed from power so easily. Some believe this is because Mugabe holds Urquhart responsible for the beginning of his political decline. Sources close to Mugabe say he felt ‘deeply embarrassed’ and ‘publicly humiliated’ at losing to Urquhart. Furthermore, they have indicated that Mugabe, 93, will make his next step a new campaign to win the presidency of YUSU. Reports suggest his opening gambit will be to grab 22 Acres of land, before going on to roll tanks to YUSU HQ and seize power. The Lemon Press, for one, stands ready to serve the immortal YUSU–ZANU–PF President Mugabe.

— Henry Dyer