The Lemon Press presents exclusive coverage of all the campus response to the breaking news that the working class referendum has passed with 51% of votes in favour. Read on for a round-up…

Average students: ‘What referendum? You Sue? What’s that? Who? Jack Harvey? Policy? Fuck off, get a life.’

Yes Campaigners: ‘We are thrilled with the huge democratic mandate we have, and it is now time for the Board of Trustees to enact the will of the people. We urge all right-minded people to get behind this common sense policy and crush the saboteurs who would seek to stop this policy. That said, we have no plans for what the officer will actually do. Anyway, sign this petition to stop Brexit, we can do it!’

No Campaigners: ‘WE ARE NOT TORIES. I SWEAR. WE ARE NOT. Olympia’s a Kipper, for one. It’s the Russians. YUSU fixed it, the commie marxist trots, let me at them, my father works for the government, you know, I’ll have your heads, all of you! You call that a majority?! 51.1%? With a 5.1% turnout? I’ll tell you what a CLEAR AND DECISIVE majority is, it’s 51.9%. I’ll show them all. I’ll run for the position, and then, and then… I’ll… err.’

Wing Commander Thomas Quincey de Vanbrugh-Bateson, 7th Baron of Deramore, Lord of Heslington: ‘I am happy to announce I will be standing for the role of Working Class Officer. After all, an officer position deserves a true officer, someone with the education and knowhow to cut through the YUSU bureaucracy. Besides, as it will be an unpaid role, my considerable wealth will allow me to focus solely on doing absolutely nothing, as opposed to other proles, sorry, plebs, sorry, people who would have to focus on working and also doing nothing. My campaign will be modelled on the tactics of Bomber Harris, so if you don’t vote me, I’ll incinerate your college, you shit! Hip hip!’

YUSU: ‘This satirical article needs more balance.’

— Henry Dyer