As allegations against the film producer of sexual assault and harassment continue to mount up, Harvey Weinstein has announced he will be departing the film industry to become a full time Uber driver.

Weinstein, who has had his BAFTA membership suspended in the latest of a series of punitive actions taken in light of the allegations, was seen at a Toyota dealership earlier today, eyeing up a Prius. He was later overheard asking a frightened salesman a number of questions about the vehicle.

A spokesman (because Uber’s not so keen on employing women, let alone employing anyone at all) for Uber said: ‘Mr Weinstein would be a welcome self-employed sub-contractor providing he goes through all our very very very rigorous checks. If (when) he does something, we’ll be sure to handle it in the usual way (burn the case file, say nothing, give the customer $3).’

— Henry Dyer