Led by Millie Beach, the team at YUSU have found profoundly original ways to achieve nothing. Rather than initiating ill-conceived policies and consequently failing to get them to work, the team have instead decided to simply disappear into the ethereal mist. This plan has required a level of attention and intelligence unheard of in previous YUSU sabbs. To succeed, officers have been taught advanced evasion techniques including: crouching behind their desks if anyone enters the office, diving behind shrubbery if they are spotted whilst walking along the lake, and secreting themselves within interior fittings in the campus bars and teaching rooms should anyone see them.

Last week alone Tamaki was spotted hiding behind a porter in the exhibition centre and Dom was seen gaffer-taping himself to the ceiling in Derwent. These new tactics have led to productivity levels so low they can no longer be expressed using oral or written forms of communication. Some students have been left wondering who represents them, and have expressed a desire to initiate martial law. A statement from the YUSU offices yesterday read ‘ ’.

Myles Dunnett, issue 31, 2017