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‘Whitty Chris’ Makes Stand Up Debut

October 13, 20212 minute read

Due to a self-proclaimed shortage of work, Professor Chris Whitty has followed his dream of becoming a stand up comic under the name ‘Whitty Chris’. The Lemon Press was at his premiere standup night at the Fibbers Comedy Club (under new management) and recorded some hot extracts.

“These days, you will be arrested and thrown in jail, just for… well, no actually you will not be thrown in jail, and there is only a minimal chance that you will be arrested, but the important thing to remember is that by being English you pose a risk to yourself and others of being institutionalised, so these days you should look to be part of other nationalities to reduce this risk.”

“Knock knock. Knock knock. Knock knock… Knock knock? Knock knock? Hello? Is this thing on? I said knock knock.’

“Does anyone else remember when the binman was hard? I don’t, I am only 55, why does everyone keep calling me brave for not retiring yet, do I really look that old?”

“So then I was like, ‘bloody delta variants, coming over here, with their improved spike proteins, making us apply the most lax possible COVID guidelines. But then again they were only here because of the bloody alpha variants, coming over here, from Kent, stopping us from seeing our beloved inlaws at Christmas. However I suppose they were brought about by the bloody original COVID-19 virus, coming over here with their impressive transmission capabilities and mild to severe symptoms. But then…oh bugger, there haven’t been enough variants to make this go on long enough to be funny again.’

Dan

Written by Dan

Editor of The Lemon Press, Hero to The Masses, Legend of The Streets