Spitebart Agony Uncle

October 13, 20213 minute read

Dear Uncle, I am having confusing thoughts about my neighbor. He is a filthy beta Biden-voting cuck who I hated for months and for months I have unsuccessfully tried to burn his duplex down. However recently I have heard him talk about how disappointed he is in the Biden Administration on numerous subjects, and it’s making me feel very itchy in my pants area. He is cute but I am #nohomo and I don’t want him or anyone to think i am anything else. How do I get with him without it being gay? Yours, P. Mence. 

Thank you for your letter Pike, and what you are feeling is absolutely normal, many of us have been looking at those filthy traitorous Biden voters differently after they have said a few negative things about him. But you have to remember that they will never love the glorious United States of America and half the people in it, so the only relationship you need is one with the 2nd amendment. If you still want to do a casual thing however there are ways to make it not gay. The common mistake made is thinking that the only straight way to do head is to receive, however there is nothing more alpha than giving; a blindfold must be worn by both parties to prevent eye contact of course, but you must assert your alpha dominance by taking the entire thing at once and keeping it in your mouth like God intended. Either he will never come back or he will physically never be able to leave you, in both situations making you the dominant one if you believe hard enough. 

Dear Uncle, I wrote to you last time regarding an embarrassing misunderstanding of the female anatomy being cruelly exposed online, and after taking your advice I now fear my wife is too wet. We have had to put rail guards up to prevent her from slipping out of bed like an eel, she was sacked from her lifeguard job after flooding the shallow end, and now I need a pool noodle just to do our standard weekly missionary. Please help me un-wet my wife. Yours logically, Ben. 

Hello Ben, it’s great to know my advice works, I especially hope you used my tip about ‘not podcasting during the act.’ If your wife is being too wet simply store the wife upside down; it’s well studied that water cannot travel uphill, so by keeping her flipped on her head all the moisture should be held within the womb. This is how babies are made. A few days of doing this whilst recording for your Youtube channel in the next room should prevent her from having this problem ever again. 

Dear Uncle, how would The Joker break up with someone who wanted them to stop acting like The Joker? Yours Chaotically, The Joker.

It is never nice when somebody gets in the way of personal growth, especially growth as important as one’s growth towards becoming Jokerfied. But The Joker is above all else a gentleman, who wears a suit and tricks both men and women equally, so you must break up with this lady with upmost dignity. Take her out to a fancy restaurant, order some Joker food (like beans on toast! This will make the chefs laugh, so it is what The Joker would order!), look her in the eye as you hold her hand and tell her ‘I’m allergic to beans.’ She will know right there and then where your heart truly lies, leaving you to spend your days as a single Joker man. 


Written by Dan

Editor of The Lemon Press, Hero to The Masses, Legend of The Streets

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