Places On Campus You Could Hide The Corpses of The Last Two Northern White Rhinos 

July 08, 20224 minute read

I didn’t kill them. I just want to make that clear. I have never killed, injured or in any other way caused misfortune to the final pair of Northern White Rhinos in existence. However, in the unfortunate case that I or anyone reading this were to completely unintentionally slaughter those two beautiful, surprisingly-fragile-boned creatures, and I/they happened to panic and bring their bodies to York rather than own up to it, I have created a handy review of the potential hiding places.

Exhibition Centre – We have all at some point or another wandered down the endless corridors of Physics  and thought “yes, here’s a place that could conceivably hide the corpses of the last two Northern White Rhinos”. You wouldn’t even have to continue to worry about people trying to find the rhino murderer, you could just say ‘the rhinos just walked in and got lost trying to find their supervision room, the poor girls starved to death.’ All you have to do is convince one staff member that the rhinos were doing vital work for the scientific community and they’d bend over backwards to help you!

22 Acres – Nah not a chance mate, have you ever used that field? It is the most perfectly smooth surface imaginable, basically an ice-skating rink in a grass-based form, I bet they have Doorsafe doing work on it (and I don’t say THAT lightly), that’s how perfect it is. Even if you could dig two pits for the rhinos you better dig a third for yourself as you’d never get the ground inch-perfect enough to hide what you did. Go on, why not dump those dead rhinos in front of the Mona Lisa while you’re at it if you have ART so much. 

The Lake – Do rhinos float? I am not sure, but my expertise on the physical properties of rhinos began fairly recently, around the time that the ‘£20 self-guided Safari’’ offer was going around, so I haven’t had the time to properly observe the Northern White Rhino in water. Hopefully it would sink and stay at the bottom, or even better the “”water”” would wash off the white paint and reveal them to be two regular rhinos, ending a horrible multi-continental prank that quite frankly has gone too far now.  They were both females anyway, the species was doomed so it’s quite frankly ridiculous that you would launch a full-on manhunt for the person who killed them, if anything the (presumably handsome and charming) individual who did it saved a charity thousands of pounds by stopping a pointless conservation project. 

Courtyard – Not sure this one would work in all honesty, there’s not enough space as it is to wear a mildly-large backpack around the tables let alone smuggle the dead bodies of two Northern White Rhinos. The only practical option is to hide them in the kitchen where they keep the meats, but even the culinary amoebas that roam the venue would be mad for the succulent, tender white rhino hide and riots would form when that limited edition burger goes off the menu. 

Fairhurst 2nd Floor – In my opinion this is one of the most guaranteed ways to hide the bodies of two Northern White Rhinos. All you have to do is paint their bodies (usefully already white so it can easily be used as a canvas) to look like the library desk booking system, then put them in the middle of Fairhurst and watch as everyone proceeds to FUCKING IGNORE IT. Like I’m sorry using a simple seat booking app was too much for you, I would hate for you to lose a precious second of loudly telling the person sat next to you about how you got off with someone in Salvos last night, clearly your need for my booked seat was greater, I’ll just consult the rhino corpse again and pray the next seat I book hasn’t been taken up by someone with an equally urgent need for a seat. God I wish it as half the population of Fairhurst who had wandered onto the road that afternoon instead of the white rhinos, who the fuck just let them roam about together anyway, with such lax security this was bound to happen at some point.


Written by Dan

Editor of The Lemon Press, Hero to The Masses, Legend of The Streets

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