I’m starting in September and I’m anxious about meeting my new flatmates. What if they don’t like me?
Standing face to face with a brand new person can be daunting. It might be easier to introduce yourself with a wall between you. Try cutting a hole in your bedroom wall and putting your hand through to offer a strong handshake to your neighbour. You could also have a peek through to check their decor for any clues at their interests and try and change yourself into someone you think they’d like. For example, if you see they’ve got a trainspotting poster, invite them round for a spot of heroin. If all else fails and you just don’t get on with your flat, a great place to expand your social horizons is in Derwent Toilets Cubicle 3™.
I keep seeing this girl that lives in my building and she’s really cute. How can I start a conversation and ask her out?
If your building has a lift, this enclosed space where she can’t escape is a great place to strike. Try just making small talk, maybe comment on the state of your accommodation, to kick things off. If that goes well, try following her to her lectures (at a safe distance). If you’re lucky, she might notice your playful tailing and come knock on your door. This is a great opportunity to ask her to share in an interest of yours, such as inviting her to see you do stand-up. Next, call on her in a time of need to really cement your bond. Once you feel like you know her well enough, acquire a gun and break into her room to surprise her. If you follow these steps exactly, there’s a 100% chance of success.
Please help, everytime I go into a lecture theatre I immediately shit myself. What do I do now that things are back in person?
It can be difficult to go against the grain, especially at the start of a new academic year. We all want to fit in with our peers, but you shouldn’t need to change who you are. Listen to your gut, and embrace the real you. When you turn up to your first lecture, confidently drop those trousers and pop a squat right at the front. I’m sure your fellow students will be moved and impressed by your bold gesture. I wouldn’t be surprised if some even opened their hearts and holes to join you in this completely normal and natural human experience. At the very least, it’s easier to clean up the floor than pants.