Marred by rumours that a charity foundation may not be completely devoted to giving the highest possible amount of money to those who need it, the Captain Tom Foundation is closing down and putting some of their vast range of products on sale. Here is an exclusive look at some products you will soon be able to own for a low low price!
‘Heroes of The Pandemic Trading Cards’ – The hit top trump eque card game that was set to take the nation by storm the minute the pandemic ends (circa 2025), play against your friends and fellow survivors using all your favourite COVID-19 era characters including Captain Tom Moore, Hannah Ingram-Moore, Max Moore, Pippa Crerar, Rishi Sunak, the Baskins Robbins mascot, the squid from Squid Game, Mr Astra and Mrs Zeneca, Marina Hyde, the bloke who installed CCTV in Hancock’s office and, last but never least, The Queen. Categories will be announced the second it is decided if you can scale Her Majesty The Queen on scores of ‘strength’ and ‘bangability’.
Captain Tom TomTom – A product instantly commissioned when someone thought of the name without anyone thinking of how they would get the necessary voiceover from a man who died a year ago. The solution was simple; the TomTomTom destroys your car the second you put it in, forcing you to walk just like Captain Tom had to (unfortunately the limited edition Barbados version, with a complete set of voiceovers, sold out ages ago).
Captain Tom Aftershave – Not a hit as they tried to make it smell like Captain Tom during the height of his fame, therefore customers are spraying themselves with the smell of a 99 year old man who’s spent the summer walking around the garden. Anyone buying it has been put on a list and given a Sunday Mail column.
‘Captain Tom’s Vintage Babes’ – Before he met his darling wife Pamela, many women were the apple of young Tom Moore’s eye. From models like Betty Page and Marylyn Monroe to his first wife Billie, you can live the dream of a hero in their youth and fuck them as life-size body pillows! It’s quite literally what Captain Tom would’ve wanted.
Best of TomzBop CD – Captain Tom’s short-lived singing career, launched on a definitely-normal cover of ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’, lives on through a collection of 21 songs recorded shortly before he passed away. This time Tom doesn’t need Michael Sheen backing him up, so listen to the pride of Britain cover every part of some of the biggest songs of the last century including Bohemian Rhapsody, WAP, Rap God and an authentic rendition of Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe (10 Minute Version).
Captain Tom Morning After Pill – The only problem with the Captain Tom range of premium gins were that they were ‘too good’ and led to ‘too many people making bad drunk decisions’. To fix one of these, buy one of Captain Tom’s morning after pills; let the hero who lived 100 years stop you from wasting your next 18!