In great news for all twenty ‘Jason Bourne’ fans, the sixth film of the blockbuster franchise has been announced with a twist. The Hulu-exclusive sequel to a movie you thought about twice in 4 years will see our hero sent to the year 2021, where everything has changed and he must fight to reclaim his country from the soft snowflakes who have infiltrated it.
The film features Bourne shaking his head and tutting disapprovingly at teenagers attending therapy sessions, before an epic scene of him drinking copious amounts of whisky in a bar to cope with the difficulties of the job. This precedes a dramatic nightclub scene where Bourne shoots a DJ and the entire dancefloor up in order to stop the current chart hits being played, replacing the disks with his own Vinyl record of ‘Queen II’. There is also epic shaky-cam footage of Bourne using lethal force to defend the Winston Churchill statue from a horde of protesters and, as per tradition for the gritty realistic franchise, the film follows it up with a realistic portrayal of the consequences (a 30-second montage of Bourne completing paperwork).
The final confrontation is of him confronting the dastardly stock-Google-photo-of-a-blue-haired-feminist, cooly growling ‘I was Bourne in the wrong generation’ before loudly shooting his load over the film’s love interest. This defeats the feminist, because as we all know feminists are allergic to the sight of hertosexual ejaculate.