A Brief History of America’s Presidential Throatgoats

December 11, 20212 minute read

George Washington – Due to the time constraints of musical theatre, the show ‘Hamilton’ had to regrettably cut out two major historical elements: the slave-owning history of most of the protagonists, and the throatgoatiness of George Washington. The first President achieved so much that his status as ‘the Footlong Father’ has been buried in the back pages of history books, but true historians are in no doubt that man knew how to gobble.
Lincoln – The greatest conspiracy of our time is that Abe Lincoln was not shot in the back of the head, but rather penetrated his own skull while attempting to show off with one of the theater’s hot dogs. The poor President made the mistake of not angling and going for the straight swallow that ultimately went straight through him, and this high-commitment low-ability ranks him around the middle of most throatgoat lists.

Obama – I’m sorry to report that every photo of Obama with the hot dog is photoshopped, in reality the hotdog was double the length you see in the pictures. It was a truly frightening display of oral power from the first openly-throatgoat President, an entire media blackout had to take place to prevent photos getting out that would ‘scare children and most medium-to-large breeds of snake’. In a recent interview, a teary-eyed Obama admitted his biggest regret was ‘not passing sensible throatgoat laws, it’s common sense that not everyone has the right to be a throatgoat. There was literally nothing I, Barack Obama, could’ve done to get tougher throatgoat laws through.’

Trump – Donald J Trump will go down in history as the very worst throatgoat America has ever had, there’s no way a man who eats pizza with a knife and fork is letting any meat get further into his mouth than his canines.

Biden – I think it is mean that everyone ridicules Joe Biden for basically being a half-dead man who is only being kept awake by a series of handlers, when I believe this to be his greatest strength as a throatgoat. You could fit an entire arm down there and use his stomach as some form of horrible ventriloquist act and he wouldn’t notice unless your sick puppet routine included a critique of John McCain. Kamala Harris has already tried a similar ‘Babushka Doll Method’, crawling into the President via his throat to change by decree the definition of when someone can be legally classed as dead, but was called out when ‘Biden’ reacted far too quickly at seeing a teenager in possession of marajuana.


Written by Dan

Editor of The Lemon Press, Hero to The Masses, Legend of The Streets

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