News & Politics
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Gnarly Waves and Ukrainian Graves: The Race to the Bottom of the Ocean
This week, wave after wave of drone strikes bombarded the Ukraine leading to an amount of deaths that we will leave to the editor to accurately detail. Disclaimer: this is bad Which left our writers wondering who’s going to win the mortal race to European oblivion, Putin or prospective Atlantean style Climate change. As the […]
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Where Did All the Chickens Go? Undeniable Proof That We Live in the Matrix
For hundreds of years, the evil mystery elites that rule the universe in secret (I’m looking at YOU, Taylor) have been inventing more and more elaborate conspiracies to cover their malicious tracks. From faking a moon landing, to pyramids (I mean, what even are those?), to AI generating a bot called Big Elon and unleashing […]
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Santa Hit With Infringement Lawsuit
DATELINE – NEW YORK In a move which has stunned the world, a group of thirty-seven entertainment companies, including Hasbro, Nintendo, Microsoft, and BAE Systems, have filed a class action lawsuit against Santa Claus. The seven-hundred and forty one page lawsuit claims that Santa has “repeatedly and knowingly” violated the patent and trademark rights of […]
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Лимонный Пресс Сейчас По-Русский Язык
Привет, друзсья! В Лимонном Прессе, мы получили много письма из ФСБ о нашей языковой политика. Так, мы с гордостью объявляем мы сейчас печатаем «Лимонный Пресс» по-русский язык. Обеспокоенные читатели такие как Владимир Путин, Доналд Трамп и Нигел Фараге могут хороший спать, почему что наши повелители в Кремле могут легко проверить что мы распространяем раздор и […]
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Lemonline – BREAKING NEWS – Archbishop of Canterbury who Refused to Allow Gay Marriage Resigns
Lemonline have received news that Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, has resigned after eleven years at the post. He will be undoubtedly remembered as the Archbishop who refused to allow the Church of England to perform same-sex marriage. Welby first became a priest in 1989, when he retired from his job as an executive at […]
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An Extract from Rory Stewart’s ‘Politics on the Edge’
Something I learned during my time walking through Afghanistan was that I loved the edge. I made sure to reach it as often as I could. As much as I loved it, if I went back there I would not be able to indulge nearly enough as edging is now illegal in Afghanistan. It’s hard […]
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‘Red Mirage’ due to End Any Day Now
The ‘Blue Wave’ that political commentators across the globe promised us would cancel out the Republican Party’s early lead in the US election is on its way, definitely. You would be forgiven for losing hope as a number of signs seemed to suggest Trump was doing well in the election, like when they announced the […]
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Taylor Swift Saves Democracy!
Having seen Kamala Harris’s surge in online popularity after being endorsed by Charlie XCX’s “Kamala IS Brat”, Taylor Swift has entered her political era by swooping in to offer her unequivocal support for the Democratic presidential candidate, ensuring yet again that no other female artist dares to steal her limelight. The country-turned-pop singer behind the […]
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Parliament’s Anti-a-woke-ning
Mr Speaker: Boris you have the floor. Boris: MP’s unclog your waxy, hairy earholes, I have some Earl Grey tea to spill! Rishi Sunak: If it’s not to do with how to get red peppers at Waitrose again, then I don’t care. Boris: You little wanker. You don’t give a flying fuck about anyone in […]
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The Lemon Press Guide To The Tory Leadership Election
As the Tories approach yet another leadership election, The Lemon Press can take you through all of the candidates. Or you could go to Nisa, buy a bottle of the cheapest most vile whisky you find, down it, and then break all the walls in Derwent in an attempt to get the asbestos to kill […]
