Ok, you’ve been in your student house for a while, you’re all settled in but now you want to decorate and need ideas. Here’s the TLP guide to give you all the ideas you need to decorate your house.
1 – Leave mouldy cheese cuttings on the floor of your kitchen. Cut some mould off the edge of your cheese? Dropped it on the floor? Why not just leave it there? Ok there might be several reasons not to just leave mouldy cheese cuttings on the floor, but it certainly gives the room some personality. [-eds note the person this bit was personally attacking has got in touch to point out the cheese was left on the hallway floor, because that’s totally a better state of affairs]
2 – Put up compromising images of yourself on the walls. No one can blackmail you if you’ve already put all the compromising images of yourself on display.
3 – The taxidermied head of the person you already regret moving in with. No explanation needed here.
4 – The taxidermied head of your landlord. No explanation needed here either.
5 – A giant portrait of Robert Peston. People may question it, but if you pray before it nightly the ITV political editor might smile benevolently upon you and not cause a run on your bank.
6 – Scattered cans of drink and takeaway packaging. Might not be the most aesthetically pleasing way to decorate your house, but you don’t have to spend any extra money or put in any additional effort.
7- A set of highly amusing but also incredibly illicit York Vision back covers.
8 – A collection of dead houseplants. Let’s face it, those houseplants you bought are going to die anyway, so save yourself the effort of watering them and own it.
9 – Turn your living room into a recreation of the Vietnam war. Just need some jungle plants, a humidifier, some booby traps and the delicious smell of napalm. Plus side: you won’t have to worry about people you don’t like visiting. Downside: people you like won’t visit, so this is only recommended if you don’t have friends.
10 – Just leave the walls blank. An alternative low cost, low effort option.
11 – Just put up some photos and posters you actually like. Don’t be silly.