Arts
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Darth Vader Looking for ‘Young Musicians with Drive and Stardust’ to Boost the Death Star’s Eurovision Hopes
Are you an up-and-coming performer looking to showcase your talent to the whole galaxy? Have you got that unique shine which can showcase the rich culture of our beautiful metal battle station? Is the Force with you? If you answered yes to any of these questions then we need you! The Death Star’s Culture Minister […]
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The Spirit of David Lynch Possesses Dad Taking Video of Family Holiday
The world was rocked today as the spirit of recently-passed filmmaker David Lynch popped down from heaven to possess Jeremy Paterno, a 50 year old Rest Is Politics fan and cycling enthusiast from Hammersmith, while he was on holiday with his family in Paris. While there was no physical proof of the event, Lynch’s directorial […]
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Indie Musician Shocks Fans and Xi Jinping With Crazy New Song
Indie musician ‘Sam Fender’ has shocked both his fans and leader of the People’s Republic of China Xi Jinping after releasing his crazy new song called ‘Glory to the People’s Republic’. This shocked his fans who had previously only known him for his songs about relationships and his personal life. It has been alleged that […]
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Oppenheimer To Feature Main Character Having Panic Attack
In inspiring scenes for men’s mental health, Christopher Nolan has announced that the film Oppenheimer will feature a main character having a panic attack – and The Lemon Press can exclusively reveal that the character having it is in fact the atomic bomb! “Delivering a climactic payload at an important moment with someone watching can […]
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Reasons I Can Fix The Biggest Worm From ‘Dune’
The biggest worm in ‘Dune’, one of the most visually-recognisable antagonists from any film this year. He’s a silent, borderline-Lovecraftian force of nature, but like so many damaged people I believe he is just one caring ear and tender embrace away from being fixed. I can fix him, and here’s the reasons why. 1 – […]
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Joe Pesci Confirms He’s Legally Allowed To Try to Enter Your House If You Leave it Vacant For More Than 15 Minutes
Joe Pesci has confirmed he has full legal rights to attempt to enter your house if it’s left unattended for 15 minutes. This relies on the same precedent that allows you to leave a class if the teacher does not arrive within 15 minutes. It’s a revelation that’s spun local Facebook groups into overdrive. Despite […]
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‘Red’ (Taylor’s Version), Reviewed By A Guy Who Pretty Much Hasn’t Listened To Music For Fun In His Life
This is not a bit. These are my genuine thoughts on the album, I wouldn’t normally listen but I felt left out on the tweets. First impressions – This is too long. 30 songs? I have not had 30 quality thoughts in my life, let alone enough to transform into 29 songs plus an additional […]
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Nouse Podcast Review: My Flatmate’s Endless Screaming
I hate podcasts, and for years have taken great pride in never having listened to one. Even if somebody is playing one within earshot of me I will jettison myself away from them and scream over it until it is no longer heard, such is my unbridled hatred of the medium. One time a close […]
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The Himbos Journey
The story structure of ‘The Hero’s Journey’ has been a staple of any storytelling media, from ‘Star Wars’ and ‘Shrek’ to ‘Harry Potter’ and ‘The Hobbit’. But all of those are stories for nerds, where is the stereotypical fiction formula for dudes who fuck? Fret no more, for this is The Himbos Journey. Call to […]
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Bourne: In The Wrong Generation Announced
In great news for all twenty ‘Jason Bourne’ fans, the sixth film of the blockbuster franchise has been announced with a twist. The Hulu-exclusive sequel to a movie you thought about twice in 4 years will see our hero sent to the year 2021, where everything has changed and he must fight to reclaim his […]
