As the latest YUSU referendum finishes, it has been revealed that, like all its predecessors, it was simply a ruse to root out that troublesome minority of students who actually do vote in the YUSU referendums. It is now, once again, time to begin the purge of our otherwise lovely university from those strange, strange ‘people.’

(Don’t these fools realise they’re just encouraging YUSU, and giving them more authority? They carry on like this, they might actually do something someone gives a shit about, and then where will we be? How much help will these rhetorical questions be then? Hmm?)

The Lemon Press has already started the cleansing with one leading figure from YUSU found lying dead with a lemon stuffed in their mouth on 22 Acres this morning. We suggest you follow our example. Remember, no mercy is to be shown. It does not matter if a culprit is your best friend, they have quite blatantly revealed themselves not to be the kind of person you thought they were. If they show a telltale sign like asking how you voted, do not hesitate. Stick the citrus in ‘em.

We will then be burning the leaders of both the Yes and No campaigns alive inside a giant wicker effigy of our favourite fruit, on Vanbrugh Bowl at tomorrow sunset, to make sure our campus is free from YUSU irritation once more for another five years. Until then, Happy Hunting, and remember: no mercy.

Remember to sneer at them as smugly as possibly for having the audacity to care about something while you’re driving the lemon home as well.

They deserve it.

Weirdos.

— Giles Beattie