Internet inevitably Jake Paul’s boxing career continues to grow as he picked his biggest opponent to date, agreeing to fight the voices in my head that are telling me I have failed at life for not being as successful as internet celebrities at their age. The fight was announced after my inner demons called out the Pauls on Twitter, and while no venue has been set yet the tensions between the Pauls and my mortal fears of irrelevancy have been growing for years. 

Jake Paul, whose career path is best summarised as ‘what would happen if the Hindenberg noclipped through the floor of Lakehurst Field and kept going until it reached the moon’, had never actually heard of his opponent until the Twitter spat, however, the chance to be the first man to openly beat an inner demon proved too tempting. Pundits have already offered opinions; The True Geordie, shitting blood from every orifice in excitement, said something about it presumably (we haven’t checked). 

On the undercard, Logan Paul is set to fight The Queen. The rivalry between the two has been growing since ‘a drubbing incident’ outside Buckingham Palace, and sources close to the-somehow-more-likeable Paul have said ‘Logan has already prepared for his decapitation and subsequent murder of The Queen with an apology video, where he pledges to learn from murdering elderly monarchs. We don’t think he has done it before, so with a sincere followup podcast the Internet should move on.’