Alcuin: Say ‘Morph Suit Man’ three times into a mirror to bring life to your party, and then have yours swiftly ended.

Anne Lister: Take a tent, just in case they don’t finish building your room.

Constantine: To get to know your college mates better, join the Conservative Society. Actually, don’t worry, you probably already have. 

Derwent: Don’t.

Goodricke: Stay away from the Computer Science building. You don’t need me to tell you why.

Halifax: Feed the silverfish. Befriend the silverfish. If you protect the silverfish, the silverfish will protect you.

James: Avoid the gym at all costs for fear of jocks. And the Physics building, for fear of nerds. Actually, just never go near James. It’s safer that way.

Langwith: Try not to think too hard about how your college is built on a Roman burial site. After all, it’s only a rumour… right?

Wentworth: I know you’re already regretting your choice of Masters’ project. Give up while you still can.

Vanbrugh: Take earplugs, unless you want to unintentionally tune into URY every day.

Alex Towells