In an emergency move, Rachel Reeves has set aside £20,000 (where we’ve found that? I thought we were broke – Ed.) to ensure the swift and efficient murder of the “idiot” that pressed publish on the Office for Budget Responsibility (OBR)’s summary of the budget plans a few hours before she began announcing them to the British public.
When questioned by Mel Stride (who? Who even is he?), Reeves has said that the money will cover “the ammunition and overtime pay” of the country’s most accurate firing squad. “They’ve yet to miss a single shot” said she, although the politically astute among us will note that Labour have yet to hit a single shot throughout their entire time in government. Literally as well as figuratively, of course. The emergency money will also help the OBR root the person who was a bit eager to hit the publish button, as they currently have absolutely no idea who did it. For my money, I suspect it was an intern, as they usually tend to be rubbish. The Lemon Press’s own intern, Kevin, has yet to contribute anything to the magazine this academic year, as he’s probably too busy going to Salvo’s three times a week.
Markets have yet to respond to this particular announcement. They have responded to the budget as a whole though, as the pound briefly rose before sinking about as quickly as that housemate’s grades after they started clubbing in second year. The various political parties aren’t happy either, with Mel Stride saying something or other about it (no-one really knows who he is or what his views are, nor do they care). Ed Davey has pointed his usual piece of paper at the government and accused them of not funding care enough, whilst Zack Polanski is currently standing outside Parliament in the freezing cold signing. As he doesn’t have a seat in Parliament, a member of staff at the House of Commons has had to run outside and explain every development to him. Poor guy. Mr Farage is yet to say anything about it, either, probably because he’s having to put some fires of his own at the moment. Oh, well. Another sorry day in the increasingly long calendar that seems to govern British politics.
If you enjoyed that article then don’t miss Issue 66, coming soon to all good media bins.
