Serves 2

Ingredients:

– One half onion

– One bell pepper, red or yellow

– A clove of garlic

– A dash of red wine (preferably £5 or under. And no more than £20. Anyone who spends more than that on wine is a gullible idiot). 

– Olive oil

– Beef stock

– 250 g of pasta.

– 500 g of beef mince.

Step One:

Gently heat the oil in a saucepan. Dice the onion, garlic, and pepper, and lightly fry them in the oil.

Step 2:

When they are cooked, add the beef stock and a couple of hundred millilitres of water. Boil a pot of water for the pasta.

Step C:

When the water has mostly evaporated from the stock, add the beef mince and gently break it up and fry it. Add the pasta to the boiling water.

Step ד‎:

When the beef is cooked, add the tomato sauce to the pan.

Step 0101:

Realise you don’t have any tomato sauce to add to the pan.

Step VI:

Go to the shop across the street from where you live to buy some tomato sauce.

Step Sieben:

Discover the shop across from the street from where you live doesn’t open this late and there aren’t any buses either, so walk into town to find a 24-hour place.

Step √64:

Finally buy some tomato sauce and return home.

Step 3 ^ 2:

Come back home to discover it has burned down.

Step IIII IIII:

Learn from the fire brigade that your house has burned down because some idiot left the stove on.

Extremum Opus:

Order a takeaway from Efe’s.