For hundreds of years, the evil mystery elites that rule the universe in secret (I’m looking at YOU, Taylor) have been inventing more and more elaborate conspiracies to cover their malicious tracks. From faking a moon landing, to pyramids (I mean, what even are those?), to AI generating a bot called Big Elon and unleashing it on Twitter, all their actions are meant to conceal a larger truth from us, to disguise their oppression, to keep us deaf and blind, going about our little lives, just the way THEY want us to. Well, no more! Even the most subtle conspiracy has its flaws, and the mystery elites, in their hubris, have left a gaping hole in one of them, as will soon become abundantly clear.

Before I explain the scientific methods used to arrive at my conclusions, let me ask you a question: chicken meat is all around us, right? You can buy it sliced, smoked, roasted, Kentucky Fried™, and more. It comes by the whole and half chicken, by the wing, the breast (haha), and even by the drumstick. The question is: where are all these chickens?

Think about it… have you ever seen a live chicken? No, of course not! They probably don’t even exist. Given the average chicken consumption of a human being and the size of the human population, the world would have to contain tens of billions of chickens to sustain the continuous demand. Chickens would be all around us, flooding every continent! Humanity would be washed away in a raging tide of clucking poultry. The only way so many could possibly exist unnoticed is if they were kept on remote farms, crammed together in large sheds full of tiny cages, where they live horrible lives packed together in the dark, laying eggs until they’re finally killed off to make your McNuggets™. That would be ridiculous though. It’s inhumane, so obviously we would never do it. The only possible conclusion is that live chickens don’t exist.

I’m sure you’re with me so far, and this is where it gets interesting. What are the implications of this? We have chicken meat, but no chickens. The chicken meat must therefore appear out of thin air; something not possible in the real world, but what if our ‘real’ world was only a simulation? 

Take that, evil mystery elites! I can see right through your lies! Somewhere in the course of history you have removed humanity from the world and kept it for yourselves. The rest of us, you have banished to a simulation, this semi-reality we now inhabit. That’s right, people, we’re in the Matrix! We must be! They do what they can to convince us the life we’re living is real. They cloud our eyes with chicken, with delicious nuggets and tikka masalas, but it ends here! Tonight, we rise up, tonight, we take back what is ours! Rise, my children! Paint a flaming chicken on your door with blood, so when our glorious revolution comes, we may recognise our brethren! Go onto social media and spread the word, then become extra convinced of yourself when your own views are fed back to you by like-minded individuals! Do this for me, my children, and I will free you from the mystery elites! Do this, and I will lead you to a new world!

Based on a conversation I had with two extremely average social media users. I really hope they approve, or it might be slightly awkward from now on…