On Wednesday, one of the campus correspondents for The Lemon Press was granted an exclusive interview with Gary, Lord of All Geese (GLAG) in Yorkshire and Surrounding Regions, who has recently taken up residence on Campus West of the University of York.

TLP: Okay, so, first off, I have to say it’s an absolute honour to be able to speak to you today.

The Lemon Press has never before had the opportunity to interview royalty [We have spoken about the DTEF Queen a lot, though – Eds.], I take it that your status is hereditary, yes?

GLAG: I’m very pleased to meet you, too. Apparently, your magazine won a Student Press Award recently, which means that you’re better than most of the usual drunkards that are supposedly students at this place. Yes, you’re correct. The position has been passed down to by my forefathers, my forefathers’ fathers and the fathers of the fathers of my forefathers, and it’s a great honour to hold the position currently. 

TLP: Thank you, yes I see. You use the word forefather, the title is passed down the paternal line? Can a female goose not rule?

GLAG: Theoretically, there can be a female goose in charge of this region. However, there do not seem to be many of them in the Yorkshire region for some reason. Apparently, it’s something to do with the weather, but I think that’s a load of rubbish. I mean, it’s pretty damn good at the moment, wouldn’t you say?

TLP: Riiight, okay, moving on… What does your role actually entail doing? Do you actually rule or is it a figurehead kinda schtick? Can you tell me much else about the structure of the Goose Government of Yorkshire and Surrounding Areas.

GLAG: I think it’s fair to say that I’m pretty hands-on for the most part. I mean, I’m not necessarily involved with the day-to-day, but there is a large degree of responsibility that is placed upon me. For example, if there were to be a War of Geese [he shudders] again, I would be leading the troops. Also, if the members of the Goose Government can’t get along, I’ll get involved and try to sort out any problems. 

TLP: War of Geese? Troops?

GLAG: I don’t want to talk about it.

TLP: Too soon, I guess. And the Goose Government, is this a democracy?

GLAG: Yes. Elections do take a while to decide, though, because we use the Single Transferable Vote system and the brain of your average goose is generally not equipped to deal with such complex mathematics. 

TLP: I can imagine that to be true, yes. For us humans the rise of the far right in Europe and the election of Trump in the states has been of concern of late,can you paint a picture of the current goose political stage for us?

GLAG: I think it’s fair to say that we’re quite left-wing in comparison to all those idiots. We only have the Socialists [the Alliance of Socialist Geese] and the Greens [Green Geese]. The Greens are generally more successful, seeing as we actually have to live and eat in this environment, you know?

TLP: So it’s a two party system? And they’re both left? What about all the other political positions?

GLAG: See, this is the problem with bloody students. You always try to pick holes in things. These two parties are entirely representative of the views of the whole Goose population in Yorkshire and its Surrounding Areas. We’re not like you humans, we have no reason to be capitalists. 

TLP: Okay, okay, yes. If you had the opportunity to give a message to humanity, what would it be? Perhaps we could get the word out on your behalf?

GLAG: Alright. Firstly, please can you guys outlaw goose hunting. It’s an archaic concept, and it might surprise you to learn that we don’t particularly like getting shot. Secondly, I think the Nisa on this campus should decrease the price of bird food, so that more students can buy it. Finally, can you get rid of that Elon Musk guy? I’m not even a human and he annoys the hell out of me, to be honest with you. 

Will Hemmings and William T. Nicholson