In a bizarre and, frankly, disturbing move White House resident Donald Trump has preemptively declared himself York SU’s Union Affairs Officer.

In a statement released on Monday, the Home Alone 2 star claimed that it’s “obvious” that the overwhelming majority of York students wanted him to lead York SU. He also added that “while it was a hard decision”, it was obvious in light of recent events that “the USA is totally screwed”, and that “York SU is soon going to be ten times as powerful and relevant as the USA”.

Talking about his intended takeover, Trump said “it’s gonna be great, like really great, it’s gonna be so big league, people will be like saying ‘wow, it’s like so cool.’ I love York, York’s a lovely place. There are lots of geese, the geese are always so nice to me, they’re so nice.”

When pressed on what York SU would look like under him, Trump simply darkly muttered something about Equality and Inclusion Officer Teddy Bland, but refused to elaborate further.

We contacted Organ Grinder Elon Musk, to ask his opinion on it, and we received this email in response:

“Thank you for contacting Elon Musk. Don’t miss out on DEALS, DEALS, DEALS! United States closing down, everything MUST go! HUGE savings! The Resolute Desk for only $150! Air Force One – $400! Delaware now reduced to 20 cents! So don’t miss out, and buy today!”

We then tried to contact him by phone, and received the response: “Oo iz zis? Zere iz no Elon ‘ere!”. We also emailed JD Vance, who responded “have you thanked Trump yet?”

More on this story as it develops.

First published in Issue 63