As the Tories approach yet another leadership election, The Lemon Press can take you through all of the candidates. Or you could go to Nisa, buy a bottle of the cheapest most vile whisky you find, down it, and then break all the walls in Derwent in an attempt to get the asbestos to kill you.

Disclaimer: We don’t know how many of these candidates are actually Grant Shapps

Nobusuke Kishi and Johnny Mercer (as joint candidates)

One is a former Japanese PM/class A suspected war criminal, the other will give you one chance at honesty. These two candidates have come together on a joint ticket to do one thing – make war crimes legal.

Key Policy: Make war crimes legal.

Brian Terry 

In the year 2021, Brian Terry returned home to the pages of a puzzle book, but crack puzzlers eventually found him and he’s now running for Conservative leader. He’s helped by the fact that we’re halfway through the parliamentary term

Key Policy: Freedom of the press.

Max Mosely

Former FIA president, frequent sex scandals, literally dead, and the son of Britain’s former leading fascist. In many ways, the perfect candidate for the modern Conservative party

Key Policy: Nazi Sex Orgies for all.

Tom Harwood 

Tom’s strong views on trains closing doors 2 minutes before departure and Sunday trading hours suggests a radical legislative programme should Harwood become PM

Key Policy: Unlocking Britain’s fertility crisis.

The Nouse Comments Section

Scientists spent all their time considering whether they could rather than considering whether they should, but they finally succeeded in giving sentience to the Nouse Comment Section. Before now, it wandered the streets, ambushing passers by with unsolicited opinions about American politics from 2020 and questions about freedom of speech. But it’s now found its perfect home in the Conservative party.

Key Policy: Parliamentary debate to be replaced by clash of comment.

Kevin the Intern

Long suffering Lemon Press intern Kevin has finally broken free and is running in the Conservative leadership election (the little shit). I hope the ungrateful bastard loses.

Key Policy: The removal of TLP’s office gloryhole.

Nadine Dorries

Please, can this remain a joke and not be real? Please, can this remain a joke and not be real? Please, can this be a joke and not be real?

Key Policy: Nope, I’m not doing this anymore. I refuse. You can’t make me.