Eau de Fomite: If you are bored of feeling too sterile, have no fear as this perfume, filled with titillating infectious organisms, will put your mind at ease.

Chanel N°19: Probably not the best name Chanel has ever thought of given the circumstances, but good on them for being able to count!

YSl Omicron: Famous for its potency, YSL’s new perfume hits all the right spots and targets the nasal passage of even the most distant suitors.

Calvin Klein Transmission: Assert your dominance by spreading your scent across rival males’ territories.

Dolce & Gabbana Light Flu: Beware of this one, as D&G’s light flu is deceptively powerful in its ability to increase the temperature of both yourself and your comrades.

Viktor & Rolf Flowercron: This one’s unique in its ability to actually reduce others sense of smell when near you! Convenient if your bodily odour is hindering your chances of getting laid.

Lancôme La Vie Est Plus Court: Given the circumstances, the world is fearful about each other’s life expectancy. Luckily this perfume resolves all sense of ambiguity!

DIOR Sudden-Surge: When sprayed, this perfume immediately attracts any woman in the local area, and (by definition) a sudden increase of people are aroused by your scent.

Hugo Cross-contamination: Spice things up by sharing perfumes with others! After all, sharing is caring!

Paco Rabanne Lady Antigen: A nice change from your regular old perfume, this special one fights off any sort of unpleasant odour to reveal a squeaky-clean inside and out!

Emma Dixon