Ruy Lopez [1. e4 e5 2. Nf3 Nc6 3. Bb5]
A classic opening, you can’t go too wrong with this one. Played by all the top-level players. Will hold you in good stead for the middle and endgames.
Nimzo-Indian Defence [1. d4 Nf6 2. c4 e6 3. Nc3 Bb4]
A solid and inoffensive opening. For players who are feeling suggestive and/or want to be slutted out by their opponent.
Richter-Veresov Attack [1. d4 d5 2. Nc3 Nf6 3. Bg5]
For the type of player who denies themselves base luxuries and owns an uneven number of shoes. Popular with creationists.
King’s Shtandart Declined [1. h3 Na6 2. h4 Nb4 3. {resignation}]
Fiery opening for players who only have a few minutes to spare between meetings wanting a quick game. Has been described as “an affront to all I hold dear about chess.” – Carlsen, 1996.
Maclaurin-Taylor [1. e3 followed by e2 ad infinitum]
Intense and divisive. Keep repeating the same two opening moves until either:
- your opponent collapses from exhaustion/sleep-deprivation,
- the Earth is swallowed by the expanding Sun, or
- your wrist gets a bit tired.
Suspension of Disbelief [1. N/A, but probably just the Ruy-Lopez, no one fucking plays any other fucking opening these days I swear to God]
Having already lost the game, inform your opponent that you had, in fact, won. Re-enforce and re-iterate your truth they are forced to believe you.
Checkers [1. 9-14 23-18 2. 14×23 27×18 3. 5-9]
For the players of chess who would rather not play chess right now and play checkers instead. Fun for the whole family.
Uncle Keith’s Opening [1. ???]
Lovely Uncle Keith said he’d show you his opening if you behaved and promised to keep it a secret. Thus, I am sworn to secrecy.
Tell Them How You Feel [1. while reaching for e4, instead slowly caress their left hand with your right index finger]
Remind your opponent of the impact they’ve made on your life, and that, through it all, you will remain true to them until the end (of the game).
Cholis Ketteridge’s Third Great Thimbleseizure [grab the king-side bishop and ram it into your right temple with enough force to cause immediate brain death]
An oft forgotten rule; if a player dies during a chess game, the result is an immediate draw. For the sort of player who’s looking to draw the game without looking like a pussy bitch by offering one.
Adam Berry
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