I believe I can fix all of the following men.

Arthur Fleck: Behind the makeup and concerning behaviour, I see a diamond in the rough here. I’d start by helping Arthur channel his energies into his standup routine; it’s an act ripe for development and ComedySoc are just the group to nurture him. Soon enough he’ll be on committee and a very well-adjusted member of society. Just don’t invite him onto YSTV.

Tom Harwood: I just need to find the key to this man and then he’s sorted.

Prince Philip: Philip is a bit of a fixer-upper but nothing too big to handle. First, we’re jumpstarting that heart and reanimating those arms. Soon he’ll be firing on all cylinders like a Land Rover and headed head first through the windshield of success.

*******: I can fix the Seven Asterisk Man. His is a name that’s said in hushed whispers and bylines. All he needs is his memory kept alive in these hallowed pages of TLP. The more you mention him, the stronger he grows. I can’t fix him alone, but together, post by post, we will enshrine his legacy give him a fine litter of TLP children.

Myself: This may be the toughest of them all. Several hundred TLP articles deep and a hole for a brain, I’m going to need to put in some long hours. However, I’m on the right path. Fixer is about to turn fixee and that requires a long course of therapy.

Will Rowan