In a stunning move, Donald Trump has declared that he is formally beginning the process of setting up an embassy for the State of Palestine in Scunthorpe. Tensions have been high after Trump declared the disputed holy land of Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Sources close to President Trump see this as a move to piss off Muslims even further in order to, as the orange wonder put it, ‘get all these bad hombres outta here, okay [raises tiny hands]?’

The Lemon Press asked President Trump for comment at a White House press briefing but were refused comment before eighty desperate staffers were order to kick our reporter to death whilst thirty other chanted ‘Fake News’ repeatedly.

— Chay Quinn