Hey! What the fuck are you doing? Please stand up and move away from my wiener. This is just one example of the inexplicable abuse I regularly receive when crouched in dog parks attempting to bag up shit. A few weeks ago however, I came to a realisation: I might get fewer looks if I […]

Just weeks ago I was a simple, romantic, English Literature student living in blissful ignorance, deeply in love with my girlfriend and pootling through my life writing about Marxist Structuralism in the Mr Men. Then calamity struck, I got lost on my way to a tote bag crafting social and stumbled into the maths block. […]

Fallen into a time vortex and found yourself in the week before starting university (when we should have published this)? Alex Pelling has you covered with ten things you NEED to make sure you bring with you as we move into September. We promise it’s September. Don’t check your calendar.

Eau de Fomite: If you are bored of feeling too sterile, have no fear as this perfume, filled with titillating infectious organisms, will put your mind at ease. Chanel N°19: Probably not the best name Chanel has ever thought of given the circumstances, but good on them for being able to count! YSl Omicron: Famous […]

Listen up lads, we understand. You’re out camping, and there’s a fire going. The tribal instinct to obsess and poke the fire springs to life as if you were Satan himself. But let’s be honest, no ones knows how to properly start and maintain a fire and as soon as you leave the campsite you […]

Ok, you’ve been in your student house for a while, you’re all settled in but now you want to decorate and need ideas.  Here’s the TLP guide to give you all the ideas you need to decorate your house. 1 – Leave mouldy cheese cuttings on the floor of your kitchen.  Cut some mould off […]

Doesn’t it feel like everyone is claiming to become The Joker these days? If you still want to have a highly-characterised breakdown whilst still being original about it, here are some alternatives.  Megamind – Instead of letting all your chaotic energy out, let it go to your head and keep it there instead! By becoming […]

I believe I can fix all of the following men. Arthur Fleck: Behind the makeup and concerning behaviour, I see a diamond in the rough here. I’d start by helping Arthur channel his energies into his standup routine; it’s an act ripe for development and ComedySoc are just the group to nurture him. Soon enough […]