What is satire if not a desperate cry for attention? That sweet, sweet attention I crave because as a child I was told I was great at everything, only to become a malnourished ball of alcohol dependence and wasted potential. I joined The Lemon Press in September 2024 in an attempt to have someone laugh […]

Serves 2 Ingredients: – One half onion – One bell pepper, red or yellow – A clove of garlic – A dash of red wine (preferably £5 or under. And no more than £20. Anyone who spends more than that on wine is a gullible idiot).  – Olive oil – Beef stock – 250 g […]

Tess inspiration. Dedicated to Tess.   Finola and I have been fighting some existential truths since our 20th birthdays. We don’t know why, and we have lodged a formal complaint with our prospective higher powers. However, there is no self-certification for the troubles of life, and as such, we must firm it. We love cats. Maybe […]

Hey! What the fuck are you doing? Please stand up and move away from my wiener. This is just one example of the inexplicable abuse I regularly receive when crouched in dog parks attempting to bag up shit. A few weeks ago however, I came to a realisation: I might get fewer looks if I […]

Just weeks ago I was a simple, romantic, English Literature student living in blissful ignorance, deeply in love with my girlfriend and pootling through my life writing about Marxist Structuralism in the Mr Men. Then calamity struck, I got lost on my way to a tote bag crafting social and stumbled into the maths block. […]

Fallen into a time vortex and found yourself in the week before starting university (when we should have published this)? Alex Pelling has you covered with ten things you NEED to make sure you bring with you as we move into September. We promise it’s September. Don’t check your calendar.

Eau de Fomite: If you are bored of feeling too sterile, have no fear as this perfume, filled with titillating infectious organisms, will put your mind at ease. Chanel N°19: Probably not the best name Chanel has ever thought of given the circumstances, but good on them for being able to count! YSl Omicron: Famous […]

Listen up lads, we understand. You’re out camping, and there’s a fire going. The tribal instinct to obsess and poke the fire springs to life as if you were Satan himself. But let’s be honest, no ones knows how to properly start and maintain a fire and as soon as you leave the campsite you […]

Ok, you’ve been in your student house for a while, you’re all settled in but now you want to decorate and need ideas.  Here’s the TLP guide to give you all the ideas you need to decorate your house. 1 – Leave mouldy cheese cuttings on the floor of your kitchen.  Cut some mould off […]