University of York Vice Chancellor Charlie Jeffery today announced that “Old Testament Justice” would be employed against the snivelling pus bag who vandalised the statue of Long Boi. The statue, which sits near Derwent K Block, had its left leg cut during the night of the 14th November, completely coincidentally the same night as The […]

The television show Most Haunted has last week investigated the reputedly haunted Eric Milner B Building, The Lemon Press has learned. The TV show, presented by Yvette Fielding, features a team of ghost hunters who investigate reports of paranormal activity at supposedly haunted locations throughout the country. Most Haunted was said to have been attracted […]

In a heartfelt message to departments and societies, YUSU has asked everyone to stop referring to it as “YUSU”. YUSU’s CEO, who The Lemon Press are not naming for legal reasons, said in a statement “We think that the abbreviation “YUSU” isn’t very inclusive, so we’re going to stop using it. Please stop calling us […]

There has been outrage across the country today over the revelation that the beloved mascot of Vanbrugh College, Duck Norris, is actually an animatronic operated by the Chinese state government for espionage purposes. Suspicions were raised following a bizarre incident last week when several men in black suits and sunglasses ambushed the traitorous purple duck […]

If I were to hypothetically have a captive that you need to keep somewhere on the University of York campus where would be the best place to do so which would allow for the correct amount of psychological torture? Hypothetically, of course, I don’t know any reason why anyone should need to know any of […]

IT’S PERFECTLY NORMAL! IT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE! You made me wet but not in a good way.  These are all things the campus west fountain hears every time it tries to spurt into action.  He sees you staring and he’s shy uwu. Fountains can’t perform when Central Hall is staring quite so intently.  Because of […]

Pssssssst, keep this to yourself, but I saw a rumour deep online that Boris Johson has resigned as Prime Minister. My thoughts are only with those who are suffering most due to this. No, not his unspecified number of children, or those who have suffered as a result of the countless scandals that 50+ government […]

The University of York community was in shock today after it was discovered the Panopto captions were actually typed out by a manusing the service to send help messages. The service, just assumed to be using a standard auto-captioning system that wasn’tparticularly fit for the purpose of online learning or assisting the hearing impaired, was […]

Blaming a rare typo on their weekly newsletter, the University of York Conservatives were forced this week to host a fox-bunting crafting social. A spokesperson for the York Tories exclusively told Nouse that ‘our committee always strive to communicate clearly with the regular plebs below us in our society, however when writing the announcement of […]

For legal reasons, everyone in this was the one initiating the fight, this is just my view from the perspective of self defense.  The Ruddy Shelduck – I’m not messing around here, one kick and that thing is done for, I don’t care about its status, in a combat situation I will strike any waterfowl […]